Orc Mutton
by creyzi4zb12
Summary: In the ToT Elminster’s teleportation spell goes awry and he meets a band of orcs. This is supposed to be a comedy with Shuruppak as a special guest on it.


_**In the ToT Elminster's teleportation spell goes awry and he meets a band of orcs. This is supposed to be a comedy with Shuruppak as a special guest on it.**_

_**This story happened in the Time of Troubles when all magic went awry because of the gods being stripped of their power. **_

Elminster hastened to perform his teleportation spell. The old sage's hair standing up to the sky making him look like a madman. He was very frustrated because magic went awry every time he tried to teleport himself to Shadowdale, bringing himself to other places instead of the one he desired.

The first time he tried it he was brought back to the nine hells, and after that to Gehenna. Now he stands wet and bruised outside a cave. A big lump appeared on top of his head since he had teleported himself in an ogres comfort room. The monster screeched thinking the old man was a pervert and tried to club him with a rock. It was a good thing that Elminster still had the strength enough to run else he would've been pulped by the creature.

"Curse you Mystra!!" He mumbled a silent gesture. It was a good thing that Mystra was killed last month by Helm else she would've stripped this madman of his power. "If this spell doesn't work again I'm going to go to Shadowdale on foot." Elminster declared.

Bright waves of white light flashed on the sage. The main image of his body became contorted as the weave tried to form the teleportation spell onto him. Then in an instant Elminster was suddenly gone outside the ogre cave, teleported to a place only the gods errr.. I mean Lord Ao know where.

"Where am I?" Elminster looked at his surroundings. From the looks of things this certainly wasn't Shadowdale. And this fact only meant one thing. His spell had gone awry once again.

The place he had teleported at seemed to be a hill. He scanned to the horizon on the east and found a village, probably twenty miles away.

"Arrggh!!" Elminster bit his lip as he cried out in frustration. "I've had enough of this magicking business. I'm going to get a caravan and walk!" He rolled his sleeves and went down the hill angrily.

He had been traveling for a mile now, and he realized that he was getting short of breath. His tongue hung on his mouth as he panted. It seems that the old sage was not as energetic as he once was when he was but a mere Athlantian. Now his legs shook, and the walking stick he found during the journey seemed to be the only thing keeping him from falling to the ground.

"Food!" His bloodshot eyes begin to grow. "Food!!" Saliva dripping out from his mouth as he craved for the one thing he desired right now. "Food!!" The old sage shouted out to the sky arms spread wide in ecstasy.

Then suddenly he smelled something, something burning, something sweet and crispy. It's a beef being roasted! The old mage's mind spat out. I have to get me one of those.

"And what's this?" He sniffed some more. "Mashed potatoes!!" His eyeballs becoming a red spiral as the sweet smell of the feast drove him mad.

Elminster tried to calculate his plans on how he would ask for the food. Then he realized that he was Elminster; greatest mage in all of Faerun. Surely it would've been an honor for the hosts to share a meal with him, so he rushed headlong to the bushes where smell had come from.

"Hello there!!" Elminster dived to the bushes, his right palm forming a German salute as he regarded the three figures sitting by the campfire. "I am Elminster the..."

There was a sudden moment of silence as the three orcs that were munching mutton on their hands stared at the old mage blankly. Elminster was also surprised as he found out that the creatures making the feast where orcs after all.

The old mage lowered his salute and tried to go out of the bushes. "Ehehehe!! Nevermind!!" He said softly

Mystra's Chosen would've continued on with his escape when he noticed one of the orcs say "Did 'e just say that 'e was Elminstar?"

"You've heard of me?" Elminster looked shocked as he returns his attention to the three green-skins.

The orcs paused for a moment. Then they formed a circle and started whispering to each other. Elminster waited by the corner crossing his arms and tapping his foot, a bored look on his face. He noticed one of the orcs lean its head up to look at him, gave a chuckle and went back to the gossiping trio.

Elminster tried his best to listen to the conversation without looking suspicious. The only words he heard were…."But 'es a mess!"…"Is dat really Elminstar?"…."I 'eard 'e created a 'uge fireball once."…."Can 'e really beat dat grim reaper punk?"

A few minutes of annoying wait later the orcs broke their circle and all stared at the mage. One of them stepped forward. He seemed to be greener and bigger than most of the orcs. His sharp eyes stare at the old mage suspiciously. His huge tusks protruded heavily as he made a smile which made him look like an idiot and Elminster had to bite his tongue not to laugh at the fellow.

"Are you really da wizard everyone's tokin 'bout?" The orc asked him.

"Is that doubtful?" Elminster gave a bored reply

"Can you make fireballs as big as a 'ouse?" One of the smaller orcs asked.

"Why of course!" Elminster raised his chin and made a heroic posture.

"Do it!" All three orcs jumped out in unison.

"Okay!!" Elminster replied!

"Yay!" The orcs all jumped and raised their hands to the sky. Then they held each others hand and started dancing in circles. "Where gonna see fireballs!! Where gonna see fireballs!!" The orcs chanted in unison.

"Ahem!" Elminster gave a loud cough to interrupt them of their celebration. The orcs stopped for a while and stared at him, their faces on a sudden glee.

"Before I can perform any spells I have to replenish my strength first." Elminster said coldly. "And I need to eat to do that. I haven't eaten in days. Would you mind if I join you in your feast?"

"Oh no!" The bigger orc said enthusiastically. "No! Please help yourself Mizter Elminster!" Then one of the orcs wrapped Elminster's shoulders with his arms and led him to the campfire.

A few minutes later Elminster found himself eating along with the three orcs he had made as friends. He tried to set aside the problem on how he would create the fireball spell and focused his attention on the delicious piece of meat he gobbled up.

"This is really good!" Elminster spoke, his tone a little bit mumbled due to the bolus stacked on his mouth. "What is it?"

"Elf." One of the orcs smiled.

Elminster choked…..

TO BE CONTINUED….

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